from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
