You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
