Little spoons don't ask big questions
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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