I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
