either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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