i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
