Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
