DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
