i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
