the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
