my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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