saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
