dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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