They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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