at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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