I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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