apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize