and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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