If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
