I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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