Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
