Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
