My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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