I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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