I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
