Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
