Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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