i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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