just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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