Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
