No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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