I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
