I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
