You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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