Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I intend to get homeless drunk
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
