I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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