Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
