Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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