i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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