Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
