I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
