my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
