I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
