if you like me you must not know who I am
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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