How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
as a side note pls kill me
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
