Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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