Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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