I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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