She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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