I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
