kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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