Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
