Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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