shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
