my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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