I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
