We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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