You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
