what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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