Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize